Lockdown - Mental health
Hey,
I keep saying this but 'its been a while' - I guess that should just be the title for every post but hey, I am back with another fleeting thought that I need to write down somewhere...
As you all know the world is currently experiencing a pandemic, this is all so new to a lot of us and to be honest, it's scary and daunting. Nobody knows the outcome and what will happen after it, all we know for now is that people are dying on a daily basis from something we have no clue about. And for the majority of us, that means we are banished to our homes to prevent spreading it even further, that makes perfect sense to me and for those that are following the government guidelines properly, I applaud you.
However, a lack of social interaction is certainly getting to me. I have always been fairly happy in my own company and finding something to do has never been hard, but now it seems so difficult to entertain myself. I work out, play games, watch TV/Films, read on occasion but for some reason it's never enough.
This lack of activity has sent my brain into over drive and the demons I thought had subsided (never fully gone away) are starting to return. As some of you may know, when I was around 19 I developed an eating disorder known as anorexia, it has taken years to get over and multiple hurdles to be where I am today but at the moment it feels like I am going backwards.
Just before lockdown happened I had developed a healthy gym routine, my eating was OK and I felt like I was making good progress with my mind and my body and so, when that was taken away from me I felt lost. At first I was coping, I have a cross trainer, a rowing machine and other weights around the house so I was grateful for that. However, as time has gone on I have noticed that I am getting into bad habits, my body is changing again, I eat for boredom not for nutrition and whatever I do at home never seems to be enough. The gym for me was a form of escapism, I could go there for an hour a day and have some time for me...blurring the lines between home and gym is now is taking its toll.
Many of you may think I am crazy and I should be lucky to have the equipment I have but for me it's a mental issue, I don't feel like me. I can feel myself slipping, I can feel myself obsessing over what I eat because I am not as active, I don't walk to work anymore, I sit at home all day and try my best to get out for a walk once a day. I feel trapped and backed into a corner and frankly I don't know what is right anymore.
I want to reach out to others that are feeling the same way as me and try and help them and myself at the same time. I need to constantly tell myself that this is not forever and we will return to normal. I need to tell myself that what I do is enough and I may not be able to do one thing but I can try and improve at another instead.
This is a hard time for many and there is so much change happening all at once and for me that is extremely anxiety inducing and I want to make sure that we are all trying to do what we can to get through this.
I want to reassure you that some days I find it hard to get out of bed, to shower, to care about my appearance or to care at all but that's okay...we need to try and be kind to ourselves as much as we can. Don't succumb to the masses on social media who get up and put make up on every day, or who work out and still look the same, or those people who can run 5k every single day. Do YOUR best and hopefully the days will get a little bit easier. It is something I need to tell myself every single day - I can do it, my body will change, my mind will change and sometimes it's okay to just do nothing.
This post was mainly an outlet for myself at this moment in time but I hope someone out there also finds comfort in my words and I hope to do more writing as it really helps me get things off my chest.
Please stay safe and I hope you are all doing well.
I keep saying this but 'its been a while' - I guess that should just be the title for every post but hey, I am back with another fleeting thought that I need to write down somewhere...
As you all know the world is currently experiencing a pandemic, this is all so new to a lot of us and to be honest, it's scary and daunting. Nobody knows the outcome and what will happen after it, all we know for now is that people are dying on a daily basis from something we have no clue about. And for the majority of us, that means we are banished to our homes to prevent spreading it even further, that makes perfect sense to me and for those that are following the government guidelines properly, I applaud you.
However, a lack of social interaction is certainly getting to me. I have always been fairly happy in my own company and finding something to do has never been hard, but now it seems so difficult to entertain myself. I work out, play games, watch TV/Films, read on occasion but for some reason it's never enough.
This lack of activity has sent my brain into over drive and the demons I thought had subsided (never fully gone away) are starting to return. As some of you may know, when I was around 19 I developed an eating disorder known as anorexia, it has taken years to get over and multiple hurdles to be where I am today but at the moment it feels like I am going backwards.
Just before lockdown happened I had developed a healthy gym routine, my eating was OK and I felt like I was making good progress with my mind and my body and so, when that was taken away from me I felt lost. At first I was coping, I have a cross trainer, a rowing machine and other weights around the house so I was grateful for that. However, as time has gone on I have noticed that I am getting into bad habits, my body is changing again, I eat for boredom not for nutrition and whatever I do at home never seems to be enough. The gym for me was a form of escapism, I could go there for an hour a day and have some time for me...blurring the lines between home and gym is now is taking its toll.
Many of you may think I am crazy and I should be lucky to have the equipment I have but for me it's a mental issue, I don't feel like me. I can feel myself slipping, I can feel myself obsessing over what I eat because I am not as active, I don't walk to work anymore, I sit at home all day and try my best to get out for a walk once a day. I feel trapped and backed into a corner and frankly I don't know what is right anymore.
I want to reach out to others that are feeling the same way as me and try and help them and myself at the same time. I need to constantly tell myself that this is not forever and we will return to normal. I need to tell myself that what I do is enough and I may not be able to do one thing but I can try and improve at another instead.
This is a hard time for many and there is so much change happening all at once and for me that is extremely anxiety inducing and I want to make sure that we are all trying to do what we can to get through this.
I want to reassure you that some days I find it hard to get out of bed, to shower, to care about my appearance or to care at all but that's okay...we need to try and be kind to ourselves as much as we can. Don't succumb to the masses on social media who get up and put make up on every day, or who work out and still look the same, or those people who can run 5k every single day. Do YOUR best and hopefully the days will get a little bit easier. It is something I need to tell myself every single day - I can do it, my body will change, my mind will change and sometimes it's okay to just do nothing.
This post was mainly an outlet for myself at this moment in time but I hope someone out there also finds comfort in my words and I hope to do more writing as it really helps me get things off my chest.
Please stay safe and I hope you are all doing well.
 |
| me most days (fed up) |
Comments
Post a Comment