Pressure

Hey,

I haven't posted in a while and I'm sorry about that, but I feel like I have a good reason...well I mean, for me it is a good reason. 

I was starting to feel quite pressured when writing/posting about fitness and health and it's something I don't want to have happen to me. At the moment, I am enjoying fitness, good food and I am also enjoying being with friends, family and going out when I want. Obviously, this pressure stems from other things like my eating disorder and past weight loss so it isn't the same for everyone.

I am trying to find a balance in my life and focusing on food and fitness has always tipped the scale for me, so much so that I believe revealing your goals to everyone is a bad idea.

Look, some people really thrive off getting Instagram likes, getting people commenting on how well they're doing or how good they look, but for me, it just doesn't work.

My goals are exactly that, MY goals. And recently I've been losing focus on what exactly they are. One minute my goal is to build muscle, the next it's to lose weight then be good at running, lift heavier etc. I have been focused on what other people are showing me whether that's online or in real life. 

I have nothing clear in my head but then again I am afraid of having 'goals'. I don't know if there is anyone else out there in the same boat as me but after losing a lot of weight, perhaps in the wrong way, you're scared of setting goals and cutting calories and doing more cardio because you don't trust yourself. You know you will keep lowering those calories, keep increasing that cardio until you are back down to the size you were...part of you wants that, part of you doesn't because you know it was horrible being hungry and moody was and you ended up pushing everyone away.

You now know so much about food that you know anything that isn't fresh has something in it that's bad for you. You know that lifting weights builds muscle which burns more calories at rest but you also know that you need more food to build muscle, but will you lose weight this way? The more cardio you do the more muscle you might lose which in turn makes it harder to keep the weight off. So many people are giving me advice and the one thing I'm still not doing after all these years is listening to myself. 

My energy levels differ so much day-to-day and I need something that will help even that out or a voice in my head that tells me how important routine is.

How strict is too strict? How much is too much? I think these are questions that I have to answer for myself. 

I need to know what my goals are, what my weaknesses are and what I can do to make life easier for myself whilst achieving these goals at the same time. But more importantly, I need to balance my life, I need to read more books, write more blog posts, visit more people and maybe even do some travelling. I need to find balance, smash my goals and still be kind to myself. This is all easier said than done of course, and who knows if it'll ever happen but I will never stop trying. 

I visited my hometown, went for a run on the first day I was there and then nothing, apart from walking a lot. Since I've been home I have felt drained, so much so that I haven't wanted to work out or done anything. Today and yesterday I forced myself to go on my stationary bike at home and do some yoga, I felt a little better for it but nothing drastic. 

Right now I feel very sluggish and tired, I don't think my body has quite caught up with everything else going on in my life right now. 

I want my routine back, I want my energy back and my passion. It will happen, I have no doubts whatsoever but I want to get back on track with my goals and I want to make myself proud. And I need to remember there is more to life than weight loss and muscle building.

Let me know if you've had a similar experience or if you agree/disagree with my outlook.

Thank you!

Namaste