Confessions of a yo-yo dieter
I never in a million years thought I'd be writing this blog post, but here I am typing away whilst eating a large bag of mixed nuts. FATS. Healthy fats? Too much fat???!?...sigh.
It's been over a year of trying every different diet, giving up, starting again, giving up carbs, eating carbs, not eating meat, eating just meat. no dairy, dairy. My body must hate me.
I can't go on like this.
But time and time again I mess it up, and like millions of people -- I'm just impatient. Not only that but I keep reminiscing back to a time when I was thin, what did I eat, how long did I work out? I keep looking back. But I want to move forward. Well, surely that's impossible?
I keep making excuses, well, are they excuses? you tell me.
I am living in a two bedroom flat with my mother and sister, I have a miniature box sized room which fits a single bed and a chest of drawer in it (that's about it).
My mother and sister sleep in the larger of the two rooms in separate beds. It's a bit of a squeeze but we have managed so far. And now, it's gone balls up -- my mum is renting a room out to a complete stranger for extra money. So this means we will have no living room, and no room to breathe, I can't comprehend what will happen, but it won't be good.
What if we need to use the shower at the same time?
I don't want strangers using my utensils/pots...or even worse my towels...
This is making me stressed and sends my anxiety through the roof..what if this, what if that happens blah blah...
And now, instead of saving up to move out, I am going to have to move out as soon as possible.
That's problem number one.
The second problem is my erratic timetable and horrible commute (that's kind of two in one). I am currently studying for my Masters at Kingston University and I live in north London, the commute it an hour and a half (minimum) that's door to door.
I have to take a bus, a tube, a train and another bus if I am running late. I hate traveling at the best of times but 3 hours a day is taking the biscuit. My timetable is all over the place and I basically have no routine, sometime's I'm in at 9am the next day 3pm and the next day I am probably at work. I have to constantly prepare for the day ahead, pack a lunch, snacks, phone charger etc. I feel like relaxation would be a waste of time...and most of the time it is and I just repeat the never ending cycle of stress.
On social media, out of all of the fitness people I track, none of them make excuses, the 'Rock' (Dwayne Johnson) works out at 4am every morning and has a full-time job as an actor -- but his gym is in his house?
There are others like Clean eating Alice or The Body Coach as well, but fitness is their LIFE. Alice is a personal trainer, and the body coach is constantly traveling, making work out videos and training. I rarely see a fitness celebrity who works a 9-5 job and manages to keep a lean physique, I know it's possible because I see people in real life who do it...but how?
In my eyes, in order to lose weight and raise my fitness levels I have to be 100% focused on the task at hand, but when you have essays to write, presentations to create and magazines to publish how can you do that?
When I am sat on the train, being flung from side to side I feel as though I am torn between two places, half of my life is still in Kingston, whilst the other half is in North London.
I just want to be in one place at one time, and center my life around that area...life would be a hell of a lot easier and in the Christmas holidays I managed to gather a routine and get to the gym almost every day, I was a lot happier than I am now.
I have gone off on a tangent, but the main problem is my diet. I keep changing it.
One minute I don't give a shit, I eat crap, because I see others eat crap and not gain weight...but I am not like that! My body is different, everyone is different.
I have learnt a lot about nutrition over the years and that is now imprinted on my mind, I constantly judge the food that goes into my mouth. I get so obsessed and then I say 'FUCK IT' and eat what I want.
I know that fitness is my solution, it's the only thing that has ever worked for me, but in a world of 3-hour commutes, travel sickness and tiny living spaces, where is the focus?
When your mind is in the right place, so is your body, I am 2 stone heavier than I was last year and I sit there crying at the thought of my body and what I have done to it. Looking at the beautiful clothes I used to wear with the confidence I used to have, I just break down.
I have the drive, but the motivation is seriously lacking.
The second, third, fourth time around (whichever it is now) is the hardest.
I just want to be happy and find a way of eating that works for me and more importantly works for my body.
It's been over a year of trying every different diet, giving up, starting again, giving up carbs, eating carbs, not eating meat, eating just meat. no dairy, dairy. My body must hate me.
I can't go on like this.
But time and time again I mess it up, and like millions of people -- I'm just impatient. Not only that but I keep reminiscing back to a time when I was thin, what did I eat, how long did I work out? I keep looking back. But I want to move forward. Well, surely that's impossible?
I keep making excuses, well, are they excuses? you tell me.
I am living in a two bedroom flat with my mother and sister, I have a miniature box sized room which fits a single bed and a chest of drawer in it (that's about it).
My mother and sister sleep in the larger of the two rooms in separate beds. It's a bit of a squeeze but we have managed so far. And now, it's gone balls up -- my mum is renting a room out to a complete stranger for extra money. So this means we will have no living room, and no room to breathe, I can't comprehend what will happen, but it won't be good.
What if we need to use the shower at the same time?
I don't want strangers using my utensils/pots...or even worse my towels...
This is making me stressed and sends my anxiety through the roof..what if this, what if that happens blah blah...
And now, instead of saving up to move out, I am going to have to move out as soon as possible.
That's problem number one.
The second problem is my erratic timetable and horrible commute (that's kind of two in one). I am currently studying for my Masters at Kingston University and I live in north London, the commute it an hour and a half (minimum) that's door to door.
I have to take a bus, a tube, a train and another bus if I am running late. I hate traveling at the best of times but 3 hours a day is taking the biscuit. My timetable is all over the place and I basically have no routine, sometime's I'm in at 9am the next day 3pm and the next day I am probably at work. I have to constantly prepare for the day ahead, pack a lunch, snacks, phone charger etc. I feel like relaxation would be a waste of time...and most of the time it is and I just repeat the never ending cycle of stress.
On social media, out of all of the fitness people I track, none of them make excuses, the 'Rock' (Dwayne Johnson) works out at 4am every morning and has a full-time job as an actor -- but his gym is in his house?
There are others like Clean eating Alice or The Body Coach as well, but fitness is their LIFE. Alice is a personal trainer, and the body coach is constantly traveling, making work out videos and training. I rarely see a fitness celebrity who works a 9-5 job and manages to keep a lean physique, I know it's possible because I see people in real life who do it...but how?
In my eyes, in order to lose weight and raise my fitness levels I have to be 100% focused on the task at hand, but when you have essays to write, presentations to create and magazines to publish how can you do that?
When I am sat on the train, being flung from side to side I feel as though I am torn between two places, half of my life is still in Kingston, whilst the other half is in North London.
I just want to be in one place at one time, and center my life around that area...life would be a hell of a lot easier and in the Christmas holidays I managed to gather a routine and get to the gym almost every day, I was a lot happier than I am now.
I have gone off on a tangent, but the main problem is my diet. I keep changing it.
One minute I don't give a shit, I eat crap, because I see others eat crap and not gain weight...but I am not like that! My body is different, everyone is different.
I have learnt a lot about nutrition over the years and that is now imprinted on my mind, I constantly judge the food that goes into my mouth. I get so obsessed and then I say 'FUCK IT' and eat what I want.
I know that fitness is my solution, it's the only thing that has ever worked for me, but in a world of 3-hour commutes, travel sickness and tiny living spaces, where is the focus?
When your mind is in the right place, so is your body, I am 2 stone heavier than I was last year and I sit there crying at the thought of my body and what I have done to it. Looking at the beautiful clothes I used to wear with the confidence I used to have, I just break down.
I have the drive, but the motivation is seriously lacking.
The second, third, fourth time around (whichever it is now) is the hardest.
I just want to be happy and find a way of eating that works for me and more importantly works for my body.
