We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.

Well, it has been a long time since I have posted on this blog, and it's safe to say there are a lot of reasons why.

The end of 2014 and the whole of 2015 has been a terrible time for me. In June last year (2015) I graduated from University and from there everything seemed to fall apart in my life, including my fitness and health.

There are a lot of things I want to share with you that I feel will benefit people that were in my position.

Although I loved fitness, the gym and working out, I also loved my results, and I knew to get the best results meant the cleanest diet I could get, but this got way out of hand when I started to cut a lot of food groups out of my diet. It got to the point where I would only eat green veg/soup/juices etc. and I lost a lot of weight. I was underweight and on the verge of anorexia, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and I moved back in with my mother.

This was me at my thinnest:

It's quite hard to look at these pictures because I know that at this point I still thought I was fat and I knew I could gain weight at any minute, I was around 7 stone here on the verge of just under that. I used to take pictures of my stomach very often to check on my progress and to see what could be improved. My shorts were a size 4 and for the most part fell off me...I thought this was normality and to an extent I thought I was still overweight, I believe it's called 'body dysmorphia'. All the muscle I had built started to disappear and I was left with skin and bone because of the lack of nutrients I was putting into my body, only now can I see that this was stupid and this caused me to faint multiple times after the gym and I had no energy to work out anymore. I thought nothing of it and I couldn't see what I was doing to myself,  I was healthy but I also went through a stage of drinking an awful lot of alcohol (I was 21/22). 

However, right at this moment I have gained a lot of weight, and although I am not crying about it I am unhappy with my figure as I am no longer muscular, I am overweight according to my BMI and I am feeling very unfit. I continuously try to get back into a gym routine but in the back of my mind a demon lies, and that demon says 'what if it happens again?', I read a lot about nutrition, about health and the benefits of this and that, and yet I still feel guilty eating carbs and crappy food. But, for a period in time this is all I ate, I lay in bed stuffing my face with chocolate, carbs, all the things I wouldn't allow myself to eat. so inevitably, I gained around 4 stone, I now weight 11ish stone, everytime I step on the scale I seem to have gained, it's extremely disheartening. 

November 2015, 11.5 stone. 

I posted this picture, it's not nice to look at, but I want to show you the change.

I believe all of  this stemmed from my childhood, I was always the bigger child in the class, always the one being left out of things because of my weight and this continued into my adulthood. The saddest part is that I had so many friends when I was thin and I seem to have lost them all now I am over weight and dare I say it...depressed. I want to say I am happier now, but I'm not, I still have a lot of demons I have to fight, anxiety being the main culprit, along with depression and of course, my constant worry that I can't control my eating. 

I want to keep you updated on my transformation back to 'healthy' because I feel a lot of people could benefit from this, including myself. I vow not to get obsessed but to love myself for who I am and nothing less!!